I Need A Hug
by AliciaReneeWriter
Summary: Post one-shot for 'The Book of Esther'. After Amanda finds out that she was the one who fired the bullet that killed Esther, she's struggling to come to terms with what happened. Olivia comes to visit her, finally giving her some much needed comfort.


**Hey everyone!**

 **So I'm back again with yet another SVU one-shot. I got the idea after this past week's episode, 'The Book of Esther', taking place after it is revealed that Amanda was the one who fired the bullet that killed Esther. This focuses on how Amanda is dealing with it, and Olivia comes to offer her some much needed comfort.**

 **I don't own these folks, but oh how I wish that I did**

 **Enjoy xoxo**

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 **I Need A Hug [ONESHOT]**

It had been a whole day since her life seemed to turn upside down. She'd spent the last 24 hours either watching her daughter sleep or playing with her daughter and the dog when they were awake. It seemed as though there was no point in closing her eyes as all she saw behind her lids was the dead body of an innocent victim that she had desperately tried to save. She kept the tears at bay for the most part, but at this moment now, as she watched Jesse sleep peacefully in her toddler bed as it was now bedtime she could feel the moisture filling her eyes once again. Fin had just left about an hour ago after coming by to check on her, and he made her promise that she would come to him if she needed anything. All the squad had done so – Carisi had driven her home the night before and made her promise, Olivia made her promise before she left the day before; all of them were desperate to help her and make sure she didn't slip back into any old habits that could jeopardize her career – or even her life.

As she sat there watching her daughter sleep, she could still hear the voice of Olivia Benson booming throughout her head;

" _You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."_

" _You fired the bullet…"_

"… _killed Esther Labott."_

Throughout her years of being a cop, Amanda Rollins had unfortunately had a few times where she had to kill a person – and it was always a perp, someone that was determined to die at the hands of a cop rather than go in peacefully. Those were justified killings, something that was part of her job as a protector of the law and protector of people. This time, however, she was struggling to wrap her head around what happened. There was a siege of the Labott home; those inside had begun firing at the ESU team and both Queens and Manhattan squads that were on scene as they had been in Queens. Amanda remembered raising her weapon and firing two shots before ducking down beside Olivia again. When the smoke began clearing and William Labott – the leader and father of the Labott family – the ESU team and officers were allowed inside. They began walking through and assessing the dead bodies, but Amanda did not expect to find the body of the girl she had been trying to help.

Esther Labott was laying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor, a bullet having hit her straight in her forehead.

And _she_ was the one who had fired that bullet. _"You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."_

She sighed slightly as she stood up, tucking Jessie in more before making her way through the apartment and to the kitchen area. She grabbed a beer from the refrigerator before making her way over to the living room area, plonking down onto the sofa and curling her legs under her. She took a swig of the alcoholic beverage, the cold liquid sliding down her throat yet causing some warmth and comfort to spread through her. It wasn't as if she was going to drink to pass out and forget, but this was at least taking the edge off a bit.

Her phone buzzed on the coffee table. She glanced at the screen, sighing; _'Lt. Olivia Benson – iMessage (4)'_

Olivia had been texting her all day, though Amanda hadn't read any of them. Truthfully, she didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. She was trying her hardest to keep her head up and to not be so scared about having to talk to internal affairs and all that, but it was always a little apprehension that came with talking to the higher ups about something of this nature. Her biggest fear was facing repercussions since she had shot and killed an innocent bystander, even though it wasn't her fault and wasn't as if she had fired at Esther intentionally. Fin tried to tell her that it wasn't her fault and that these things unfortunately happen sometimes, but that was doing nothing to ease the ache in her heart at the situation.

She had killed a young woman that she was trying to help. She kept asking herself why she hadn't done more, but she knew that there was no more she could have done. Still, she felt so guilty and right now, she had no idea how she was going to pull herself together again.

A buzzing sound filtered through her ears again. Her gaze flickered to her phone before it dawned on her that the buzzing was from someone wanting to be let up. She rolled her eyes and went to the intercom, taking a moment to compose herself before pressing the button;

"Yeah?"

" _Amanda – it's me,"_ through the crackling of the crummy intercom, she could make out Olivia's soft, yet slightly deeper voice; _"Can I come up?"_

A sigh escaped Amanda's lips before she then replied; "Yeah, come on."

She pressed the button to unlock the door, before leaning against the counter to wait. It was only a minute or so later that a knocking sound filtered throughout the apartment, leading Amanda to open the door and look into the brown eyes of her boss and best friend.

Olivia was standing in her doorway, wearing her white blouse tucked into a pair of black skinny trousers, her black boots, and a black blazer. Her brunette locks were tied back into a ponytail, her glasses were perched on her forehead. Her phone was in one hand and a store bag was in the other, and a soft smile was on her lips.

"I wanted to stop in before I got home," she held up the bag, "Got some chocolate and wine."

Amanda stepped aside, allowing Olivia to step into the apartment. She closed and locked the door back while Olivia put the bag down onto the table and removed her blazer, revealing her tanned arms that looked amazing in the sleeveless garment and contrasted perfectly against the color of her blouse. She watched as Olivia unclipped her badge and unholstered her gun, placing them down onto the counter before turning to her again.

"I was thinking we could just watch some television and have a drink and devour these chocolates and-"

"Liv, shouldn't you be at home with Noah?" Amanda interrupted. Her question came out harsher than she intended, leading her to quickly take a deep breath and speak again; "I mean, I know it's after nine and you're usually home with Noah and stuff – I don't want to keep you away."

"You aren't keeping me away, he's sleeping over at his friend's house tonight," Olivia pottered around the kitchen, grabbing wine glasses and a bottle opener; "Seriously, I just want to hang out for a bit, make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine, Liv; I promise," Amanda stepped closer, watching as Olivia poured the deep red liquid into two glasses; "I won't object to the wine and chocolates though; thank you."

"What are friends for?" Olivia winked, teasing a small smile from Amanda as they then made their way over to the sofa.

A comfortable silence consumed the two women over the next hour. Olivia was paying attention to the cartoon that was playing on the television, laughing at regular intervals – it was some show she had watched with Noah before and had found herself enjoying even when he wasn't around. Amanda, however, was simply staring blankly at the screen. She wasn't really registering what was happening on the television show. Her mind was going crazy with thoughts, slowly wandering back to the events of the day before;

 _She, Olivia, and a slew of other Queens area NYPD officers as well as the ESU team stood behind vehicles as Debbie Labott ran out of the house with two of the younger children. Just moments after the woman and two children were safely secured in the back of a police car, the shots began to ring out. She ducked behind a squad car with Olivia; both women had their guns raised as they ducked the shots and tried their hardest not to be hit in the crossfire. Amanda raised her gun and pulled the trigger twice, firing off two shots before ducking down properly again. Olivia stood up to make another shot but ducked down quickly again as a bullet whizzed past her and Amanda._

 _A few moments later, the gunfire ceased and the front door to the home opened. William Labott came outside, his hands covered in blood but free of any weapons and raised in surrender. A slew of ESU members rushed to apprehend him while other ESU members along with Amanda and Olivia went rushing to the house, their guns still drawn. They maneuvered throughout the house, stepping over a few dead bodies and kicking away some weapons. Amanda heard as the ESU members found the little girl chained to the radiator and another little boy hiding in the closet._

 _But when she turned the corner to the kitchen, she stopped in her tracks, causing Olivia to almost bump into her._

 _There, in the kitchen floor, in a pool of blood with a fatal gunshot wound to the head was Esther Labott._

 _Despite Olivia's protest, she ran over to check a pulse, hoping by some miracle that the young woman she had been desperate to save was still alive. However, her heart shattered when she felt nothing, and with tears in her eyes, she stood up. She looked at Olivia, before storming out of the house, her breathing going heavy as the nausea became overwhelming. Olivia followed her out, opening her mouth to say something when the voice of William Labott captured their attention;_

" _You killed my children, and for what?"_

 _Amanda walked towards the squad cars, but she had no idea how true William's words were until a couple hours later, when she was given the heartbreaking news whilst standing in the middle of Olivia's office;_

" _Preliminary ballistics came back on the siege of the Labott house."_

" _That was fast."_

 _There was a brief pause, before Olivia lifted her head, her brown eyes staring into her blue ones as she uttered the words; "You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."_

 _She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her. Sobs caused her body to shake, tears fell down her cheeks. Her head felt foggy. She could faintly hear Olivia's voice saying how she would have to talk to IAB and all that, but all she could think about was the fact that she was the one that had fired a bullet and killed an innocent girl._

" _You fired the bullet that killed Esther Labott."_

"Amanda."

Amanda turned her head, looking at her boss and best friend. As she came back to reality, she felt the moisture on her cheeks, now realizing that she was crying yet again. She saw Olivia reach out to her, but she pulled away, standing up quickly and going over to the kitchen area to grab a tissue.

"Amanda-"

"Liv, just don't," she interrupted, returning to the couch as she wiped her eyes, "I'm fine."

"That's my line," Olivia gave her a sad smile before shuffling closer, "Amanda, please; you need to talk this out – I can give you the number to my therapist and-"

"I don't need a therapist, Liv." She snapped slightly, turning away from her. She sighed slightly, swallowing the lump in her throat. She felt Olivia shuffle behind her, then felt a gentle hand rubbing her shoulder.

"Amanda, I know that nothing I say will make this better because honestly, this whole situation sucks," she sighed slightly, "But no matter what you need, I promise I'm here."

"I don't know what I need, Liv; I honestly don't." the blonde whimpered, more tears falling from her eyes. She finally turned to Olivia, her blue eyes glistening with moisture as she looked into the sparkling brown eyes of her boss and friend. She watched as Olivia gave a nod, and more tears filled her eyes as a soft hand grabbed hold of hers.

"It never gets any easier, not being able to save people that are so innocent, but Amanda, I don't want you to think for one second that any of this is your fault-"

"I fired the bullet, Liv." Amanda whimpered. Olivia nodded, reaching up and wiping the tear away with her thumb.

"I know you did, but this is on Labott, because if he had never conditioned Esther or those children the way he had done, she wouldn't have been there and gotten caught in the crossfire," Olivia squeezed her hand, "The blood is on his hands, he's just too much of a narcissistic prick to think about it and let it sink in. This isn't your fault, Amanda; you did all that you could do but he had her brainwashed, we couldn't break that – no matter how hard we tried."

Amanda looked at the ground, sniffling slightly. She knew that Olivia was right, but she still just felt so incredibly guilty about the whole situation. It would probably take a few days until she came to terms with everything, and maybe her fellow squad members were right in saying she needed to see a professional. Right now, however, she just wanted to cry it out, until she couldn't cry anymore.

After a few moments of silence, Olivia finally let go of her hand and relaxed on the sofa. Amanda's tears had finally stopped falling, though now she was just looking at her hands, playing with her fingers. She glanced at Olivia; the brunette was watching television again and twirling some of the hair around her finger as she had taken the ponytail down. Amanda watched her for a moment, swallowing hard as a feeling came over her. She knew that nothing would make this okay, but as for right now, she knew that Olivia could provide her with something she did so desperately need.

"Liv, I do need something.

"What's up?" Olivia asked, tearing her attention from the television screen.

Amanda hesitated for a second, before speaking so softly, almost in a whisper;

"You."

Olivia stared at her for a second, before Amanda spoke up yet again;

"I just…I need a hug, Liv."

Olivia smiled sadly, before shuffling a little closer and wrapping her arms around her friend. Amanda snaked her arms around the slender waist of her friend, resting her head on her chest as she snuggled into the warmth of the brunette beauty. She felt Olivia press a kiss to the top of her head, and though she was unsure of what this meant for them – if it meant anything at all – it was something that she so desperately needed, and something that was making her feel just a little bit better already.

No matter what, if she had the squad – especially Olivia – beside her, she could get through anything.

And she would most certainly get through this situation right here, one day at a time.

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 ** _I hope you all enjoyed this one-shot! Reviews are always welcome. Until next time, my friends... xoxo_**


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